Some more stupid jokes...

hoverfly · 09-28-2011, 01:20 PM

The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from 150 to 300 pounds in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the 300, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the 300 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for 300, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

hoverfly · 09-28-2011, 01:24 PM

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'
~
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

hoverfly · 09-28-2011, 01:31 PM

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court

They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteen.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

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Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

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Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

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Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

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Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

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Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

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Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

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Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

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Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Did he kill you?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

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Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

--------------------------------------------------

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

---------------------------------------------------

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

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Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

---------------------------------------------------

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

hoverfly · 09-28-2011, 01:34 PM

I've just seen a video called "Newcastle United, The Glory Years" priced at 100.00 pounds.

I told the shop owner I thought that was a bit expensive.

He said it's 10.00 pounds for the video and 90.00 for the Betamax to watch it on.

hoverfly · 09-28-2011, 01:38 PM

A bloke walks into a bookstore and says, 'Do you have that new self help book for men with small willies?'

The girl says 'I don't think its in yet.'

He reples 'Yep thats the one I'm after.'

hoverfly · 09-28-2011, 01:41 PM

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

---

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

---

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

---

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"

---

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

---

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

hoverfly · 09-28-2011, 01:45 PM

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

---

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.

---

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

---

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

---

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen"
Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years"

---

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind" says Mick

---

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says, "how do you know?"
He says "The s e x is the same but the ironing is building up!

---

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"

---

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

---

Spent 40 pounds on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

---

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse.

---

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

---

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

---

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.

---

An old lady is being examined by the Doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says, "Yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!"

---

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.”

---

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said, "I would like to come back as a cow.” I said, “You’re obviously not listening."

---

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.. It's called a wedding cake.

---

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

---

Hi mate. I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

hoverfly · 09-28-2011, 01:49 PM

A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good about it.

He looks down and sees a rabbit dumping a load right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, "Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem with the shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit shakes his head and says, "Nope, never bothers me."

The bear says, "Good!" takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside.

RagnarV · 09-28-2011, 04:58 PM

True cross examination in court:

Q

RagnarV · 09-28-2011, 05:04 PM

True cross examination in court:

Q Did you write the death certificate of Mr xxxx?

A No, I did the autopsy.

Q But did you examine him to see if he was dead?

A No.

Q Then how did you know he was dead?

A I had his brain in a dish in front of me.

Q But if he had been alive, what would he have been doing?

A Probably practicing law.

09-28-2011, 01:20 PM	#1
hoverfly Tiny Dick Extraordinaire Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: East of England Posts: 1,567	Some more stupid jokes... The Sheer Nightgown A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from 150 to 300 pounds in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the 300, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the 300 refund for myself.' She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for 300, they'd at least iron it!' He never heard the shot. Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

09-28-2011, 01:24 PM	#2
hoverfly Tiny Dick Extraordinaire Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: East of England Posts: 1,567	Last one for today... A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?' 'My wife's.' 'What happened to her?' The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.' ~ He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?' The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.' A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men. 'Can I borrow the dog?' The man replied, 'Get in line.'

09-28-2011, 01:31 PM	#3
hoverfly Tiny Dick Extraordinaire Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: East of England Posts: 1,567	Well, nearly, I've still got a moment... From a little book called "Disorder in the Court They're things people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteen. Q: What year? A: Every year. --------------------------------------------------- Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. --------------------------------------------------- Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? --------------------------------------------------- Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. --------------------------------------------------- Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. --------------------------------------------------- Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. --------------------------------------------------- Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. --------------------------------------------------- Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. --------------------------------------------------- Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? --------------------------------------------------- Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? --------------------------------------------------- Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? --------------------------------------------------- Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? --------------------------------------------------- Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? --------------------------------------------------- Q: Did he kill you? --------------------------------------------------- Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? --------------------------------------------------- Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? --------------------------------------------------- Q: How many times have you committed suicide? --------------------------------------------------- Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? --------------------------------------------------- Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? --------------------------------------------------- Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? -------------------------------------------------- Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? --------------------------------------------------- Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? --------------------------------------------------- Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? --------------------------------------------------- Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. --------------------------------------------------- Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. --------------------------------------------------- Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. --------------------------------------------------- Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. --------------------------------------------------- Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? --------------------------------------------------- Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. --------------------------------------------------- Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

09-28-2011, 01:34 PM	#4
hoverfly Tiny Dick Extraordinaire Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: East of England Posts: 1,567	Are you a football fan? I've just seen a video called "Newcastle United, The Glory Years" priced at 100.00 pounds. I told the shop owner I thought that was a bit expensive. He said it's 10.00 pounds for the video and 90.00 for the Betamax to watch it on.

09-28-2011, 01:38 PM	#5
hoverfly Tiny Dick Extraordinaire Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: East of England Posts: 1,567	Small willy joke... A bloke walks into a bookstore and says, 'Do you have that new self help book for men with small willies?' The girl says 'I don't think its in yet.' He reples 'Yep thats the one I'm after.'

09-28-2011, 01:41 PM	#6
hoverfly Tiny Dick Extraordinaire Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: East of England Posts: 1,567	Some Irish discrimination maybe... The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil. --- My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back! I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff." --- The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, " Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality." --- Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road. The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it." The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!" --- Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "What are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," Paddy replies. "It should be round your neck," says the guard. "I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe." --- Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?" "Because they're upside down," says Paddy. "You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

09-28-2011, 01:45 PM	#7
hoverfly Tiny Dick Extraordinaire Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: East of England Posts: 1,567	Might as well abuse some other nationals while I'm at it... My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. --- I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl. I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did. --- The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death. --- Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary. --- Two friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen" Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years" --- Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind" says Mick --- Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says, "how do you know?" He says "The s e x is the same but the ironing is building up! --- I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg" --- I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency. --- Spent 40 pounds on eBay last week for a penis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass! --- I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had 1.20 in her purse. --- My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet. --- I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified. --- What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction. --- An old lady is being examined by the Doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden? She says, "Yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!" --- A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, “What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.” --- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said, "I would like to come back as a cow.” I said, “You’re obviously not listening." --- Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.. It's called a wedding cake. --- The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. --- Hi mate. I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

09-28-2011, 01:49 PM	#8
hoverfly Tiny Dick Extraordinaire Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: East of England Posts: 1,567	Must be from 'Wildlife on One' A bear is sitting in the middle of a forest taking the biggest shit of his life and feeling dam good about it. He looks down and sees a rabbit dumping a load right next to him. The bear looks at the rabbit and says, "Hey, uhh Mr. Rabbit, uhh do you have a problem with the shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit shakes his head and says, "Nope, never bothers me." The bear says, "Good!" takes the rabbit and wipes his ass with him and then tosses him aside.

09-28-2011, 04:58 PM	#9
RagnarV Tiny Dick Expert Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 260	True cross examination in court: Q

09-28-2011, 05:04 PM	#10
RagnarV Tiny Dick Expert Join Date: Dec 2010 Posts: 260	True cross examination in court: Q Did you write the death certificate of Mr xxxx? A No, I did the autopsy. Q But did you examine him to see if he was dead? A No. Q Then how did you know he was dead? A I had his brain in a dish in front of me. Q But if he had been alive, what would he have been doing? A Probably practicing law.